My First Time EP

by Alexander Shen

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released 30 January 2010

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Track Name: My First Time
Now there comes a time in everyone's life
Well, every man's life
That a first time happens
And I think everyone
Or every man with this first time
You should remember it
You should honor it
Here we go

Verse:
I'm so nervous
My palms are sweaty
I don't even remember your face, no
Then you ask for me
You call me by name
You ask you me how I'm doing today (I'm okay)
Then you ask me to take off my clothes (so slow)
And close door so nobody knows

Chorus:
You're my doctor
Insurance makes you free
You're the only woman who will touch my balls willingly
Turn your head and cough you say
[cough], is that okay?
You tell me I don't have a hernia, that's great
Does this count you getting to my third base?
At least that's what I'll tell my friends
Track Name: Legacy [feat. Direct]
My mama say what's wrong with you
How come you don't have a wife yet
Your brother has two
He lives in Utah
The whitest people you ever saw (just kidding!)
My mama say why got to be so picky?
All she has to be is a lady!
With two working ovaries
Doesn't matter the size of her mammaries

They don't care about her face
They don't care about her race
As long as she's Chinese
And they don't care where she's from
And they don't care if she's dumb
As long as she produces a son

Chorus:
My mama say you have to preserve your legacy
She calls it Chinese destiny
She says it's in your blood
Just like how daddy and I are racist (so racist)

My mama say she wants to be my matchmaker
I tell her that's a social disaster
And I laugh, ha ha, hee hee hee
And she looks at me, throws away my tea
My mama say what about that girl
She's so pretty
I say that girl's in my extended family
She looks at me with a frown
She says that second cousins do not count (true story!)

Doesn't matter about her family
Doesn't matter if she can't see
As long as she's with me
And they don't care if she's allergic
Or if she is a quadrapelegic
As long as she gives birth to a suen zi (that's Mandarin!)

Chorus

Rap:
Wo de ba ba, that's my father
Wo de ma ma, that's my mother
Wo de jie jie, that's my sister
Wo de ge ge, that's my brother
Wo do bo ba, that's my bubble tea
But boba also means big boobies
That's not a lie, I'm not a pervert
Wo shi zhong guo ren, I'm a good person

Chorus
Track Name: Greatest Band in the World
If I couldn't make it as a wise man
If I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
Now what, what, chances do I have
Maybe I should just forget all I believe in
And join your church with your long blond hair
And that chin full of pubic hair

Chorus:
Nickelback is the greatest band in the world
They get all the pretty, pretty girls (35 and older)
Nickelback is the greatest band in the universe
They'll kick your ass
Before they take your names first

They have all these hits up on the billboard (number ones)
They even had a song in Spiderman the movie (Hero)
If "Everyone Cared" "Today Was Your Last Day" (Whatcha gonna do?)
"Photograph" a "Rockstar", 'cause they are "Savin' Me"
"Gotta be Somebody" with that sound
Don't forget "Burn It To the Ground"

Chorus
Track Name: My Robot Wife
There she goes
Walking away
'Cause she's got two working legs now
And there she goes
Hey, hey, hey
Without a single word to say now
And how do I know
Everywhere that she goes
It's 'cause she, she's my
My robot wife

Weapon of mass destruction, baby.

And people they ask
"Hey there Alex!
Why you runnin' so fast?"
I say that I
Lost her remote control
And she's going to run that little child over
With seventeen
Tons of stainless steel
It's 'cause she, she's my
My robot wife

Bridge:
Now everyone please don't judge me
If you think I'm just a little bit crazy
There's only one thing where I'm guilty
And that's just being crazy
In love

And how do I know
Everywhere that she goes
It's 'cause she, she's my
My robot, my robot (she's what?)
My robot, my robot (she's who?)
My robot, my robot wife
Track Name: Zombie Love Song
All alone
Shabby clothes in a broken home
I mean literally it's a broken home
I came crashing through just hours ago
But you, yeah you
Heard me in the dark
So you left, you ran
Now there's a hole in heart

Chorus x2:
I just want to eat your brains
I wanna rip off your face
No, no, no
I won't share
Because I care
This pain is driving me insane
I just need you tonight
I need to feed on you tonight
Track Name: Learn Chinese
"Ni hao" means hello
"Zai jian" means good bye
"Wo xiang cuo ni de yian jing" means that I want to stab you in the eye
"Wo xian zai yao shang ce suo" doesn't mean how do you do
It just means I wanna know where the toilet
So I Can go number two (or one)

Chorus:
I see people learning Chinese
I think that's great
I think it's the bee's knees
So if you go to Chinese school
I hope you really do (Saturdays only)
And with just a little practice
You can learn Chinese too

"Wo de qian zai na li?" doesn't mean that I'm a bad guy
I just want to know where my money is
So you don't have to die
"Ni shi ge huen qiu dan" doesn't mean I'm your biggest fan
It just means you're a [bleep] [bleep]
But not in so many words

Chorus:
I see people using Chinese (the language, not the people)
I think that's great
I think it's the bee's knees
So if you go to Chinese school
I hope you really do (Saturdays only)
And with just a little practice
You can learn Chinese too
Track Name: My First Time (Album Version)
Now there comes a time in everyone's life
Well, every man's life
That a first time happens
And I think everyone
Or every man with this first time
You should remember it
You should honor it
Here we go

Verse:
I'm so nervous
My palms are sweaty
I don't even remember your face, no
Then you ask for me
You call me by name
You ask you me how I'm doing today (I'm okay)
Then you ask me to take off my clothes (so slow)
And close door so nobody knows

Chorus:
You're my doctor
Insurance makes you free
You're the only woman who will touch my balls willingly
Turn your head and cough you say
[cough], is that okay?
You tell me I don't have a hernia, that's great
Does this count you getting to my third base?
At least that's what I'll tell my friends
Track Name: Legacy (Live at PaRiSoMa)
My mama say what's wrong with you
How come you don't have a wife yet
Your brother has two
He lives in Utah
The whitest people you ever saw (just kidding!)
My mama say why got to be so picky?
All she has to be is a lady!
With two working ovaries
Doesn't matter the size of her mammaries

They don't care about her face
They don't care about her race
As long as she's Chinese
And they don't care where she's from
And they don't care if she's dumb
As long as she produces a son

Chorus:
My mama say you have to preserve your legacy
She calls it Chinese destiny
She says it's in your blood
Just like how daddy and I are racist (so racist)

My mama say she wants to be my matchmaker
I tell her that's a social disaster
And I laugh, ha ha, hee hee hee
And she looks at me, throws away my tea
My mama say what about that girl
She's so pretty
I say that girl's in my extended family
She looks at me with a frown
She says that second cousins do not count (true story!)

Doesn't matter about her family
Doesn't matter if she can't see
As long as she's with me
And they don't care if she's allergic
Or if she is a quadrapelegic
As long as she gives birth to a suen zi (that's Mandarin!)

Chorus x2